The Commodore's Flag

Seek da truth, yo!

Mary's Back

[Intro 1 2X]
Two homicidal priests go round the inside,
Round the inside, round the inside..

[Intro 2]
Guess who's back, back again
Mary's back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back,
Guess who's back. Guess who's back;

[Verse 1]
They've created a monster, cuz nobody wants to
See Mary no more they want JC
He's chopped liver
Well if you want JC, then this is what I'll give ya
Some femininity mixed with some divinity
A secret that will jumpstart my heart quicker
Then a shock when I get shocked at the Vatican
By the Cardinal. when I'm not cooperating
When I'm rocking the sepulchur he's excavating
"Hey"
You waited this long to stop debating
Cuz I'm back, Not on the rag nor ovulating
I know you got a job Ms. Sophie
But the church's assasin is flagellating
So the Opus D. won't let me be
Or let me be me so let me see
They tried to shut me down in Gallilee
But it feels so empty without me!
So JC he came, kissed on my lips, "F--- That!"
C-m on my lips and some on my t-ts
And get ready cuz this sh-t's about to get heavy
I just settled in the Louvre so, "F--- you, Petey !!"

[Chorus 2X]
Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody just follow me
Cuz we need a little controversy
Cuz it feels so empty without me..

[Verse 2]
Jacques Sauniere, he's feeling rebellious
Embarrassed cuz niece's seen his hieros gamos
She's shut him out, it's a prison, he's helpless
Till Silas comes along on a mission - find THIS b--ch!
A visionary, vision is scary, could start a revolution
Shootin' the seneschals a keystone
Tellin' Silas he cannot pass
In the fact the nasty Vatican's cov'rin' its ass
And it's a disaster such a catastrophe
And you see so damn much of his ass (Paul Bettany)
Well I'm back (batman sound - Rororororororoslyn) fix your lapel pin
Tune it in Fache, then Robert Langdon's gonna enter
Into the elevator a Harvard professor
a claustrophobic skeptic who Fache thinks is a sinner
It's interesting, the best thing since the Sistine
Translating all the hidden clues sure is testing
Testing "Attention Please"
Feel the tension soon as Sophie comes on the scene
They escape and are chased by the French police
Bezu Fache, who sent, you seek for me..

[Chorus 2X]

[Verse 3]
A cryptex a crapfest
of encrypted bulls--t with Sophie decoding da da Vinci password
Andre Vernet you can get your ass kicked
Worse than you did when you captained Das Boot
And Remy, you're gonna get offed by Sir L-T.
You ambitious allergic French butler, bl-w me
You don't know me, you're too cold
Let it go, its over, nobody knows that your boss is the Rhetor
Now lets go, just head over to St.Pauls
The clue's there and betrayal adds to injury, insults
You've been duped, Silas is out with a pistol
Ever since Dan Brown started messing with symbols
But sometimes the sh-t just seems
Aringarosa only wants to dis-cuss me
But does this mean I'm dis-gusting?
But it's just me I'm just unseen
Well JC's the great king of controversy
And Constantine thought he'd use my late hubby
To mold an Empire in unity
And use it to get the church so wealthy
"Hey" there's a concept that works
40 other hidden secret Gospels emerge
But no matter how many fish in the Galilee sea
It will be so empty without me..

[Chorus]

With or without you... with or without you...
We can't live with or without you...

[Intro 1 2X]
Two homicidal priests go round the inside,
Round the inside, round the inside..

They've headed to Roslyn, cuz they're gonna find
that the truth is just out there if you can read the signs. And now Sophie's
known as JC's daughter.
Well if you want JC, you should have sought her
A bit of holy seed afraid to walk on water
Some blood seeping on the map leading back to the Louvre will reveal
and shock when Langdon figures out Sang Real
The good doctor's gonna bend his knee and kneel
Over the sepulchur that the Vatican is trying to steal. Hey!
And so now Dan Brown says to start debating
About FACTS, cover his tracks and quit complaining
I know you think my credibility's straining
But the FICTION label is complicating
So the academe won't let me be
Or let me be me so let me see
They tried to othercott my new movie
But it feels so empty without me

[Chorus 2X]

(DO do do do do do)
(La la la la la la)

END

Now imagine Dan Brown dressed in drag as Mary Magdalene singing it. And sing it one more time.

DAN
(to the tune of Eminem's STAN)

(Chorus by Sir Leigh Teabing, sipping on Earl Grey)

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..

1st Chorus: volume gradually grows over raindrop background
2nd Chorus: full volume with beat right after "thunder" noise

[Eleandior as 'the Stan']
Dear Dan, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two emails back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em
The Vatican was probably hackin' your website or or somethin'
Sometimes I mix up web addresses or type sloppy when I jot 'em
but anyways, f--k man, you blew me clear outta the water
Magdalene got pregnant and Jesus Christ's the father
The church assasins led a slaughter in an attempt to get the daughter
I sure hope they don't get Sophie
I read about the plagiarism case too I'm sorry
I know some guys on the net b--ch about how all you do is copy
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got a pre-order at Borders for The Solomon Key, man
I got a room full of your puzzles and your pictures Dan
I like the s--t you did with Opie too, though Hanks looked fat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, Eleandior here,
your biggest fan

{Chorus: Sir Leigh Teabing}

[Eleandior as 'the Stan']
Dear Dan, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think it's F----D UP you don't answer fans
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside of Borders
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed Deception Point for Raobhtrae
That's my sock-puppet man, he's only three months old
We waited in the blistering cold for you,
four hours and you just said, "No."
That's pretty s---ty man - you're like his f--kin idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein lied to
Remember when I emailed your website - you said if I'd write you
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I don't think the church is righteous neither
It's always oppressed women and Gnostic thinkers
I can relate to what you're saying in your books
so when I have a s---ty day, I read a chapter or a few
cause I don't really got s--t else so that s--t helps when I'm depressed
I never studied more than MA Psychology at best
Sometimes I even quote from Gnostic gospels and I see
How right you were, it's such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is FACTUAL, and I respect you cause you tell it
My boyfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But he don't know you like I know you Dan, no one does
He don't know what it was like for people like us growin up
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely, Eleandior P.S.
We should be together too

{Chorus: Sir Leigh Teabing}

[Eleandior as 'the Stan']
Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
this'll be the last package I ever send your a-s
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two emails;
I typed the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my CD I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey Dan, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know how Silas was saved by an earthquake in the middle of the night
And Aringarosa rescued him and gave him purpose and meanin'
But Silas shot him by mistake and that's how the police found 'em?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late - I read the complete Nag Hammadi Library and I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall
I love you Dan, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your publisher DUMPS YOU and Solomon Key TANKS without me
See Dan; {*screaming*} Shut up b---h! I'm tryin to talk!
Hey Dan, that's my boyfriend screamin in the trunk
but I didn't shoot him dead, I just tied him with a cilice, I ain't like you
cause as he rolls around he'll suffer more, I'll flagellate him later too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost out of space now
Oh sh-t, there's a sign, and it says, "the - bridge - is -out"!
{*car tires squeal*} {*CRASH*}
.. {*brief silence*} .. {*LOUD splash*}

{Chorus: Sir Leigh Teabing}

[Dan Brown voice-over]
Dear Eleandior, I meant to write you sooner but I've been busy
I'm due to make a book tour to promote the Solomon Key.
Look, I'm really flattered you think I'm as renowned as that
and here's an autograph for your puppet,
I wrote it on the cover flap
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show, I musta missed you
Don't think I missed out on you intentionally, just to diss you
But what's this nonsense that the theories in the book are all TRUE?
I wrote that for the money, buddy,
c'mon - how stupid are you?
You got some issues pal, I think you need some counseling
to help you distinguish FACT from FICTION!!!! in the future
And what's this s--t about us meant to be together?
That type of s--t makes me not want us to meet each other
I really think you and your boyfriend need each other
and maybe you forgot that (duh!) I'm married.
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin just fine
if you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you to stand
But why are you so mad? Try to understand, like all the other fans
That I just want you to believe whatever you want to believe
And not take it to extremes like this one girl who was aggrieved -
This girl was drunk and drove her car over a bridge
there was a guy locked in the trunk, tied up with a cilice
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, her name was.. it was you
D--n!

http://www.gabe-e.com/fanart/UmbheejBeckettTeaParty2.jpg

"My Lumps"
by Lord Cutler Beckett and Prof.Dolores Umbheej

CB: Pray what shall you do with a Chinese junk
A Chinese junk that's eas'ly sunk?

DU: I'ma get me a handsome hunk,
Get him love drunk off my lumps.
My lumps,
my lumps, my lumps, my lumps, my lumps,
My lumps, my lumps, my lumps, my lovely sugar lumps (Check it out)

DU: Drivin' Hogwarts students crazy
Playin the proper lady
They fear me almost daily
But I gotta get 'some', baby
Earl Grey or Singaporean
Klingon or Mandalorean
When tea-time comes a rollin' by
They're gonna all be starin' - why?
My dear boy why're you askin'
I know you love my ass - partame
Seven Seas, you're sailin' babe
I say 'no' but they keep drinkin'
So I keep brewin'
And no, I'm not yet taken
So we can keep on dating
And keep on demonstrating

Our love (love), our love, our love, our love (love)
You love my sugar lumps (love),
In my Tea, my tea, tea, tea, tea, tea (love),
My tea it's got you!

CB: She's got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin' Company money (money) on her and spending time on her.
She's got me spendin'.

DU: (Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me

CB: Pray, what shall you do with all that spunk?
All that spirit in your soul?

DU: I'ma make, make, make you lose control,
Get you love drunk off my lumps.

CB: Pray, what shall you do with all that B?
All that B inside of thee?

DU: I'm a make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.

Cos of my my lumps,
my lumps, my lumps, my lumps, my lumps,
My lumps, my lumps, my lumps, my lovely sugar lumps (Check it out)

CB: I met a girl at the Hogwarts cafe
She said hey, I hope you ain't gay
I could be your teacup, you could be my honey
I know you're a scrooge who hates spending your money.
I'll mix your milk with some East India tea
Milky, milky tea
Mix your milk with my East India tea, milky, milky riiiiight!

DU: They say I'm quite the lady
So prim and proper baby
Lads say I'm a M-I-L-F
I can be a 'rebel' baby
So come on and taste my lumps
Looking at my pair of lumps
You can look and you can taste 'em,
If you taste 'em I'll start some drama,
You're all business and no drama,
No, no drama, Time to get some drama,
So take me by the hand milord,
And you can be my man milord
And party in the pansies milord
And drink my lumps

my lumps, my lumps, my lumps, my lumps,
my lumps, my lumps, my lumps, my lumps, my lumps, my lumps,
My lovely sugar lumps (lumps)
My lovely sugar lumps (lumps)
My lovely sugar lumps (lumps)
Would you want 'em both at once? (lumps)
My tea's just got you,

CB: She's got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin' Company money (money) on her and spending time on her.
She's got me spendin'.

DU: (Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me

CB: Pray what shall you do with a Chinese junk
A Chinese junk that's eas'ly sunk?

DU: I'ma get me a handsome hunk,
Get him love drunk off my lumps.

CB: Pray, what shall you do with all that spunk?
All that spirit in your soul?

DU: I'ma make, make, make you lose control,
Till you sink into the honey bowl.

CB: Pray, what shall you do with all that B?
All that B inside of thee?

DU: I'm a make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.

(A-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha) [x4]

CB: She's got me spendin'.
DU: (Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spendin' time on me
CB: She's got me spendin'.
DU: (Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.

[One.or.two]
good business [x10]
good tea [x7]